Authors Lend Their Storytelling Talents to #secondcivilwarletters Hashtag

I became aware of the #secondcivilwarletters hashtag Tuesday after seeing several of my favorite authors’ contributions. If you didn’t catch it, the hashtag was a mocking response to a certain conspiracy theorist claiming democrats were planning to start the Second Civil War on July 4th. (Yes, I’m actively omitting his name and any links.) These authors lent their storytelling chops to this hilarious hashtag! https://twitter.com/heidiheilig/status/1014219912838025223

My dearest Agatha,
It has been a long & trying summer. The war has stretched on for all of 6hrs and will likely continue into the night. Please DVR Queer Eye. I do not know how much longer I walk. My Fitbit runs low and I fear I will lose count of my steps.#secondcivilwarletters

— Wesley Chu (@wes_chu) July 3, 2018

The always-awesome Beverly Jenkins continues to amaze by packing so much into her contribution.

#secondcivilwarletters
Dear Family,
Romance Writers have joined the war. Leading us are our vampires, werewolves, and shapeshifters. Behind us are kickass women wielding swords and witches with unlimited power. We’re cocky. We got this. Home by deadline.
Love you,
Mom.

— Beverly Jenkins (@authorMsBev) July 3, 2018

Dearest,

Sorry I haven't written. There's a two-prong offensive from 5th Drudge Report & 2nd InfoWars. Reinforcements from Snopes beat them back. Sure could use supplies from Cute station on Reddit Beach.

Your texts keep me going.

Much love,
Leftie#SecondCivilWarLetters

— Colin Milroy (@colinmilroy) July 3, 2018

https://twitter.com/donzolidis/status/1014233412675227648

My Dearest Elijah,

This has been a terrible day. I faced one of the red hat’s officers at the Battle of Lewandowski Ridge and his last words haunt me. “Womp womp.”

#SecondCivilWarLetters

— Maddie (@maddie_blake_) July 3, 2018

The enemy believes wearing #MAGA hats shields them from Trump's tariff fallout. Experiencing excessive thirst but will try and hold off so I can fully appreciate quenching it with all those MAGA tears. #SecondCivilWarLetters

— Kimberley Johnson (@AuthorKimberley) July 3, 2018

My Darling, After a stunning victory at Bowling Green our unit refueled with hot cups of Covfefe. We received our updates From General M. Obama via microwave, so we were prepared for the sea of MAGA hats & ill-fitting khakis. Why have they no tailors? #secondcivilwarletters

— Amanda J❄️y Deibert 🎄 (@amandadeibert) July 3, 2018

Dearest,

I am a spy in the Red Hat stronghold – Cracker Barrel. I fight for freedom by replacing Sweet Tea with Unsweet Tea, use limes instead of lemons in their water and put salt in their grits instead of sugar. The confusion it creates is empowering.#secondcivilwarletters

— Adrienne Mishel 🍷💋📚❤️🦉 (@DrenzPen) July 3, 2018

Our Dearest Readers,

We trust you’ve heard of the turmoil belaboring our beloved industry. Come the dawn, we march against the anti-grammarians disgracing sentences with your instead of you’re.

Stay Oxfordian in your Comma usage,

Team BookEnds #secondcivilwarletters

— BookEnds Literary (@bookendslit) July 3, 2018

BookEnds is a literary agency, but I couldn’t leave them out of this roundup! https://twitter.com/erinhahn_author/status/1014110372205420544 https://twitter.com/seressia/status/1014110803673444353

My dear husband,

The Mom Bricade is advancing steadily with the simple tactic of loud scolding of the other side, telling them to get their sorry butts home before we kick them out of the basement.
#secondcivilwarletters

— Dee Garretson (@deegarretson) July 3, 2018

https://twitter.com/urwalder/status/1014240724601180160 (I’m assuming that’s because they’re all playing on their phones instead #optimist)

Dear Great America,

How can the liberal majority win this war? WEAK! The last battle, which we WON despite what the FAKE news reports, that battle had the BIGGEST RATINGS EVER! This is our BEST war! Enjoy!

From Fort Mar-a-Lago

Emperor Trump#secondcivilwarletters

— Ben Lyle Bedard (@BenLyleBedard) July 3, 2018

Gen. Maddow:
We captured a scout who discovered our camp in the wine shop. I distracted him by shouting HEY Y'ALL WATCH THIS. My mother subdued him with her cane. I read my pocket Constitution twice, but he only mumbles about "fake news." Awaiting orders. #secondcivilwarletters

— RobinDAshe-Soldier’sAngel🌹🧚🏻‍♀️🌙🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈📚⚰️ (@VampWriterGRRL) July 3, 2018

Querida mami, hunkered down here in central FL, ill-fated land of ego-driven Yoho & whiny Rubio. We’re battle weary but undeterred. Please send snack bags of platanutres & Florecitas when you can. My unit loved your last care pkg! Abrazos! #secondcivilwarletters

— Priscilla Oliveras🇵🇷🇲🇽 (@PrisOliveras) July 3, 2018

https://twitter.com/Caissie/status/1014250110442790912 https://twitter.com/theromancechica/status/1014200761373216768 I am here for all the taco truck references! https://twitter.com/kateclayborn/status/1014169382879145984

Dearest sister,

They still rage about losing their precious monuments from the first war, but we plan to distract them from the fight with the rainbow flags of Southern Decadence and extra spice in their gumbo.

Love,
Your NOLA soldier#secondcivilwarletters

— Farrah Rochon (@FarrahRochon) July 3, 2018

My beloved Harriet —

I write to you with a heavy heart. I was gravely memed during a skirmish with a squad of Incel Irregulars. Doc Tibbens says there’s nothing for it — he will have to amputate my Twitter feed.

Womp womp — Jed. #SecondCivilWarLetters

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 3, 2018

https://twitter.com/Shvartacus/status/1014205735662600192 Lastly, Shiloh Walker captured my feelings after an hour of scrolling through the hashtag: https://twitter.com/shilohwalker/status/1014217903720292352