31 Totally Accurate Mark Twain Quotes (And Where to Find Them)
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Everyone loves good Mark Twain quotes, right? Samuel Clemens (the man who wrote under the pseudonym Mark Twain) embodied snark before it was a thing, and he was prolific, so there are quotes from him about everything.
Before we get to the funny stuff, a note about accuracy:
There’s something you should know about Mark Twain: he’s misquoted. A lot.
I live in Connecticut, the home of the Mark Twain House, so I thought they might be a good source of accurate Twain quotes. The Twain House, as it turns out, recommends Twain Quotes, a database of attributed quotes by and about Mark Twain. The site was put together by Twain scholar Barbara Schmidt, and it’s one of the few sources of reliable Twain quotes. Schmidt has organized the quotes by subject, and there’s a citation for every single quote. She’s also included Twain’s newspaper articles and links to other resources. Everything on the site is the real deal.
If you’re looking for reliable Mark Twain quotes in book form, Schmidt recommends The Quotable Mark Twain, by R. Kent Rasmussen.
You can also get accurate quotes from the Twain House itself (although the site directs you to Schmidt’s database).
A lot of these Mark Twain quotes are funny, some are so sarcastic you might need to read them twice, and some are even very sad. Most are insightful.
Here’s another thing you should know about Twain: he was a progressive. He (eventually) supported women’s suffrage and was outspoken against racism…but what was progressive in the late 1800s can look pretty problematic now. I included a few of his progressive quotes, but if you want to see all of them, check out the quote database I mentioned above.
And if you want to read more about Twainish quotes, play Ron Swanson or Tom Sawyer: Who Said It? Now on to the quotes!
Mark Twain quotes about animals
Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass. —Notebook, 189 When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without further introduction. —”An Incident,” Who Is Mark Twain? If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. —Pudd’nhead Wilson’s CalendarQuotes about books and reading
A successful book is not made of what is in it, but of what is left out of it. —Letter to Henry H. Rogers, 26–28 April 1897 It is so unsatisfactory to read a noble passage and have no one you love at hand to share the happiness with you. —My Father Mark Twain, Clara Clemens It’s a classic…something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. —”Disappearance of Literature” speechMark Twain Quotes About Family and Kids
Always obey your parents when they are present. —Advice to Youth, 4/15/1882
Familiarity breeds contempt—and children. —Notebook, 1894 You ought never to “sass” old people—unless they “sass” you first. —Advice for Good Little Girls You should never do anything wicked and lay it on your brother, when it is just as convenient to lay it on some other boy. —Advice for Good Little Boys It is good to obey all the rules when you’re young, so you’ll have the strength to break them when you’re old. —quoted by Dorothy Quick in Advance Magazine, 2/1940 Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. —”Hellfire Hotchkiss,” reprinted in Satires and Burlesques Marriage—yes, it is the supreme felicity of life. I concede it. And it is also the supreme tragedy of life. The deeper the love the surer the tragedy. And the more disconsolating when it comes. —Letter to Father Fitz-Simon, 5 June 1908 There are three things which I consider excellent advice. First, don’t smoke to excess. Second, don’t drink to excess. Third, don’t marry to excess. —last public address, St. Timothy’s School for Girls, Catonsville, MY, 9 June 1909 Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain’t any real difference between triplets and a insurrection. —The Babies speech 1879
