DOOM REVIEWS: Fantastic 4
It is time, readers. DOOM is back with more magnificent words for your unworthy eyes. And does DOOM have words, oh DOOM does.
The Fantastically Stupid Four has created some first-class propaganda with their new “film” (ha! DOOM is hilarious! Sarcastic quotes!). The only part worth watching is the amazingly accurate way in which Reed Richards incomprehensibly runs away when his team is in peril like the giant man baby that he is.
On reflection, this movie does not quite make me want to end Hollywood in the spectacular ball of fire it deserves. Finally! The world will see what DOOM sees! The hideously upbeat quartet does not have a strong beginning and the history of their relationship is mish-mosh, at best. It is glorious. There is no depth to any member of the burgeoning super hero team. They are the surface level tropes I have always known them to be:
The supposedly-intelligent but emotionally obtuse Reed Richards
The smart but removed and poorly wiggéd Sue Storm
The hothead (ha! DOOM puns!) Johnny Storm
The loyal sidekick but otherwise unknowable Ben Grimm (truly, they almost made him even more boring than the Thing that I have come to know and loathe)
DOOM approves!
Another thing of which DOOM approves? DOOM’S PORTRAYAL! I am played by the handsome Toby Kebbell, and while I would never in a hundred thousand – nay! in a million – years work with Richards, I appreciated my doppelganger’s viewpoints. This world does need DOOM. I am here to destroy it and recreate it in my image and all will be better off for it.
I am disappointed that they chose to move so far away from my preferred fashion. My look is paramount, it is iconic. This strange beast was not me in looks, but it was in power. Oh yes, the power was very on brand for DOOM!
As happens in movies, I did have to miss five minutes toward the end for DOOM-business, but I imagine everything turned out perfectly for movie-DOOM. His mind and manners were perfection.
Far better than that of the bloody fools following that sub par human stretchy pants, Richards.
I give it 4 out of 5 DOOM Masks!
And now as ever, my loyal readers, it is time for DOOM’s Daily Take!
DOOM’s Daily Take on Big Game Hunting
Ha! We all know the biggest game is an ENTIRE WORLD. This paltry “game” you peons speak of is nothing. Your hunt is meaningless and you should feel bad.
Doom’s Daily Take on Democracy
This is ridiculous, none are knowledgeable enough to decide who rules them. I am supreme, I am DOOM, I need no rules but MY OWN.
DOOM’s Daily Take on The Descendants
Yes! Finally! We get to see both sides of the equation. This is not Good versus Evil, it is Understood versus Misunderstood. Cut out the bits with the children and it is a nigh perfect Disney Channel Original Film!
That is all for this edition of DOOM BLOGS. Until next time. All hail DOOM.
